Things the Wolves and Vampires shouldn't do
by A.A. Silver
Summary: I love these stories so I thought that I should write one. Edward and the Cullens make lists of things that the other characters shouldn't do. Please R&R.
1. Bella

Bella

Bella is not allowed to...

Throw Jacob into a dumpster

Tell Renesmee that Carlisle is god

Pretend to trip just to bug Edward

Practice Kung Fu in the house

Jump up and down while she's near Edward (That might make him want to do things that are only supposed to happen at night)

Wear anything white after Labour Day (Alice's idea)

Teach Renesmee how to burp the alphabet

Bring home a puppy

Tell Jacob that Renesmee likes him so much out of pity

Ingest _anything_ that Emmett gives her

Ask Carlisle whether or not vampires are mammals

Own a gun of any kind

Own paint in all the colors of the rainbow

Throw Skittles at people and scream, "Taste the fan-freakin'-tastic **rainbow**!"

Tell the newspapers that Edward Cullen is gay

Throw yo-yos at Emmett

Stick her head in a freezer and tell Renesmee that it is the perfect way to give you a facial

Go to Aro Volturi, sit on his lap, and tell him what she wants for Christmas

Get Emmett to help her dress Edward up like Cedric Diggory

Bite Jasper just to add to his numerous amount of scars


	2. Jacob

Jacob

Jacob is not allowed to...

Think about Renesmee in certain... _ways_. Especially when Edward is around

Speak any profanities in the company of Renesmee

Read _anything_ containing dumb blonde jokes

Talk about vampires in discriminating ways

Answer the phone while at the Cullen mansion with the words, "City morgue, you stab 'em, we slab 'em!"

Read Dracula at any time or in any place

Say, "My how you've grown." Every time he sees Renesmee

Bathe in car wax to give him a shiny coat

Sell anybody pickles at any time or place (I don't know, he just shouldn't!)

Attempt to sell Seth as a side show act

Get drunk in Santa Barbara

Burn Alice's clothes (No one should attempt to do that at any time)

Kiss Leah Clearwater (It could happen)

Eat a squirrel (I love squirrels so I think eating one would just be wrong)

Watch a Hannah Montana concert

Look at Renesmee's butt

Dress up as a vampire for Halloween

Wear vampire fangs at any time

Wear a bra *Shudders*

Trash Edward's Volvo and say that Renesmee wanted him to do it, he was against it, but she won him over with her cute smile


	3. Rosalie

Rosalie

Rosalie is not allowed to...

Have _fun_ with Emmett on Edward's piano

Feed Jacob using a dog bowl (again)

Give Jasper a puppy

Go to Volterra and streak through the city square

Dance to any song with the words, "Shake it" in the lyrics

Shake her butt

Take Bella shopping (As if she could since Bella's still a newborn)

Buy a horse and tell Renesmee that it turns into a unicorn at night

Force-feed Renesmee human food

Break dance

Wear a swimsuit in public (That would just provoke too many people)

Teach Renesmee to swim in public (For reason look at previous rule)

Colour Jacob's wolf fur pink

Start a fire in the Cullen mansion

Spit in Jacob's food

Tell Renesmee how she killed her former fiancée and his friends in excruciating detail

Throw Jacob out a window

Watch the movie "Juno" (That would send her into a state of depression)

Buy a pregnancy test

Teach Renesmee about the birds and the bees using Emmett and herself as a visual aid


	4. Jasper

Jasper

Jasper isn't allowed to...

Own a puppy

Send waves of lust at Edward and Bella while Renesmee is with them

Have _fun_ with Alice on Edward's piano (No one is really allowed to do that just to clarify)

Show Renesmee his several vampire bite scars as a bedtime story

Slap Bella's butt

Punch Edward in the coconuts

Sing "Oops I did it again" at any time or place

_Ever_ dress in his old military uniform and say, "I'M MAJOR CHILL PILL, HOO-HAH!"

Sing at birthday parties

Dress as a clown and say, "Hi kids, I'm Emomoo the clown."

Hide in a corner with Alice (_Things_ could happen)

_Ever_ use a skipping rope

Sing the song "Jingle Bombs", "Santa's Got a Sniper Rifle" or "Santa Claus is Hunting, You Down"

Pretend to be a showgirl

Talk to any electronic appliances

Own a warm-blooded pet of any kind

Wrestle with Emmett in Esme and Carlisle's room

Make Renesmee want to kiss Jacob using his power (Edward would get really pissed off)

Go to junior high and pose as an eighth grader (It probably wouldn't work, but it could happen)

Stuff people in garbage cans


	5. Edward

Edward

Edward is not allowed to...

Stamp Bella's forehead with a happy face stamp

Play with Renesmee's hair (Bella doesn't mind, but Nessie might)

Dress Nessie as the Loch Ness Monster at any time

Lick kittens (He just shouldn't)

Hang out with Emmett when Emmett gets his hands on firearms (Nobody should _ever_ do that)

Hurt Jacob (When Nessie's around)

Go to the Zoo when he's thirsty

Watch any Disney television shows

Watch Country Music Television

Play the video game "Castlevania"

Watch the movie "Dracula"

Wrestle with Emmett (That's Jazz's job)

Take up pet-sitting (That is a _bad_ idea)

Wear women's clothing without permission

Let Alice play 'Bella Barbie'

Wear _anything_ pink or purple

Sing _any_ Britney Spears songs

Let Emmett cook

Try to beat up Robert Pattinson (It could happen)

Kiss Jacob Black (Again, it could happen)


	6. Emmett

Emmett

Emmett is not allowed to...

Raid Carlisle's drug cabinet

Play the clarinet

Get a tattoo and laugh when the needle breaks after touching his skin

Dress up like Squidward from SpongeBob

Make toast

Splatter Esme's face with grape jelly (Any other flavour of jelly is fine)

Kiss Rosalie in public (It could lead to certain things)

Throw paintballs at Bella (No one should do that, but especially not Emmett)

Pretend he's an escaped gorilla and scare Renesmee

Dress up as a St. Bernard and chase the mailman

Try and get the Forks city council to ban the letter 'Q'

Forge Carlisle's signature to purchase blood

Bring tiki torches to Mike Newton's house

Play the drums

Give Mike a photograph of Vampire Bella (Edward would kill him)

Watch the movie 'Bolt', it'll make him thirsty

Go to Las Vegas with Rosalie (Never again after what happened last time)

Watch 'The Wizard of Oz'

Learn Karate

Help Alice play 'Bella Barbie'


	7. Seth

_Seth is not Allowed to…_

Smear peanut butter on Leah (This is a bad idea for anyone, just to clarify)

Have sugar in any way shape or form

Eat chocolate (He's a puppy isn't he?)

Become a door-to-door pots n' pans salesman

Chew on Jake's ear (Who knows what goes through Seth's head? He could do that!)

Cover himself in flour and go to the Cullens' house as a fake vampire

Be a werewolf for Halloween

See the movie "2012" (It'd depress the little guy )

Drink coffee

Ever use the words "Doom n' gloom" in that order out loud

Get Edward to teach him to play the piano

Chew on a rawhide bone

Lick fence posts

Hide under Leah's bed on Friday the 13th

Dance to the song "Tiptoe thru' the Tulips"

Bark in public

Go to LA (Whoever agrees with this… SHOUT!!!)

Wear Polka-dot PJ's

Wear Footie Pajamas

Swim in melted marshmallow


End file.
